A few days ago something happened that upset my whole balance. My son, who is in the army, came home for the holiday weekend and told us he’d been informed his unit would be deployed in the coming winter, between nine and twelve months. Needless to say, his words left me in tears. As the weekend progressed I alternated between pain, anger, and lack of understanding.
I questioned many things, not in the least why God would allow this to happen. My son is nineteen years old. I’d had dreams of him going to college, meeting a girl, getting married, having his own kids. I looked forward to him being successful in a career but I never thought he’d choose to go into the army. He’s been a soldier for two years, but when he enlisted in the National Guard, he promised he would be going to college.
When he came back from completing his training in the National Guard and said he was going active I was in shock. I found a Chicken Soup for the Soul book for Military Families. Reading it I understood a little better why he was making these choices but his news about deployment left me reeling with pain. Besides reading the book, I started looking in other directions, trying to find terrain I could set foot on.
Grief, just like physical illness, can numb your ability to think and respond clearly and reasonably. I wanted everything to be reversed. At the end of March my mother passed away. He had gone to training a few weeks before. The night she died, he did not find out until four hours later, because I kept calling and he didn’t hear or did not want to get up since their sleep is scant.
My grief was intertwined with anger. I was very close to my mother and before the turbulence of teenage years started, I’d also been very close to my son. Why the two of them would go away almost at the same time sorely tested my faith. I felt someone was playing a cruel joke that made no sense. Prior to him coming for the holiday I had been having one of the longest streaks of migraines in my history. I wanted an answer that was merciful, not indifferent.
I’ve talked previously of the connection of mind and body. I reread the Military Families book. I prayed, wrote, read, listened to music that soothed me, used the essential oil diffuser at night. I called upon all
of my mental and emotional sources of support. I have a younger daughter and didn’t want to transmit my grief to her, especially after she’d lost her grandmother.
It took a lot of effort to put my mind and body to work together. Even more so, to stay emotionally grounded, if at all. Facebook posts from Christian folks, groups related to the ocean, cooking magazines I like to read, and magazines with diverse articles that centered on issues people face, were all resources I went to. I realized I was testing the posts I’ve written here about wellness.
Eventually, like the tides flow, my feelings ebbed and flowed. I struggled with anger, and felt this roll of the dice was unfair. It’s only now I’m able to focus with clarity. I’m at least closer to peace within. Wellness is indeed not just the absence of disease, but a balance in your body, mind and spirit. I suspect I’ll end up repeating this cycle a few times and will go on learning as I go through each repetition. It’s very hard not to feel resentment but this is something I don’t want to have inside of me.
I think it’s all a learning process. I don’t like it but it’s something useful and probably necessary. Resilience comes from bouncing back when you take a fall. At least that’s what I’ve always been told. And balance only happens when all that you are is working together.
Be well. Be safe. God bless.
Health, wellness and following your bliss 